But that set aside, you’ve got to wonder about Tinkerbell. It has always seemed that she has had a naughty streak. But I think she’s been hanging around with the lost boys too much. It would [...]]]> I’m not sure, but I think it’s safe to say that a lady owns this car…

But that set aside, you’ve got to wonder about Tinkerbell. It has always seemed that she has had a naughty streak. But I think she’s been hanging around with the lost boys too much. It would appear that she has picked up a tattoo and has started going commando.

Do you wish [...]]]> Ever felt like nailing shut the letterbox? Does it seem like a never ending line of crap is being pushed on to your carpet? As if suddenly your going to take complete leave of your senses and spend the little money you don’t have on products and services you don’t need?

Do you wish there was a way to stop this?

Well unlucky! Bar siting outside your door guarding your letterbox, suitably armed with an obvious deterrent 24 hours a day, then there is always going to be some numpty that will be brainlessly filling letterboxes with the pointless crap some prick has decided to peddle. And even the postman is in on it as well. It’s enough to boil your blood.

But wait!

They say time is money. So why not cost these faceless, soulless, odious individuals a bit of both?

You will need:

Some DL envelopes (Other sizes are available)

A pen

An internet – (occasionally)

And some time…

It’s a simple method.

Brainless drone pushes the leaflet through your door. If your lucky, then the hopeful business will have put their postal address on the leaflet. Simply copy the address on to a DL sized envelope. Pop the leaflet inside. And now the important bit…

DO NOT PUT A STAMP ON THE ENVELOPE. And then put it back in the post.

You can now smile at the fact that in a couple of days time, the business that felt that they could litter your home will be receiving a card from the postman. The card will tell them that they have mail waiting for them at the sorting office, and that it has inadequate payment on it. So all they have to do is come along to the sorting office, pay up and they can have their mail. Simple as that. I like to imagine that curiosity gets the better of these people. And it would be nice to see the various emotions that pass across their faces as they come to realize that they have wasted time and money just to get back their own crap. And if they don’t, well considering that the postman is now delivering unsolicited junk to my home, they can store it at the Post Office.

And the nice thing is that this works on other bits of unwanted detritus that comes through the letter box. You must get the letters addressed “To The Home Owner”, or “To The Car Owner” or even “The Occupier”? Simply cross out the name and write “Not known at this address – Please return to sender”, and then put in back in the post.

What about the other rubbish? Like the same business card from the same taxi service that has paid some prat to push one of their cards through your letterbox without fail once a month for the last few years? That’s where the internet comes in handy. Simply look them up in a search engine of your choosing, get the postal address and you know the rest. Envelope. No stamp. Postbox.

Charity bags. Yep, works for them as well. But I would advise putting the bags beyond use. So shred bag. Put in envelope. Put in postbox.

And if you can’t find an address for the buggers? Well simply send it off to one that you’ve got an address for. I mean come on. It’s not like there is going to be a single day pass by where some unwanted crap will land on your carpet?

Yes this takes time. Yes it’s quicker to put this shit straight in to the bin (or recycling bin). But why comply?

And in the interests of keeping things balanced, you could always try going to this WEB site

http://www.junkbuster.org.uk/

Blimey, I’ve not written anything since the beginning of February. But there has been so much exciting stuff! Well not really. Work is work and life is life. But that’s a massive generalization. More than likely is that truth of that I am very out of practice when it comes [...]]]> Hello boys & girls.

Blimey, I’ve not written anything since the beginning of February. But there has been so much exciting stuff! Well not really. Work is work and life is life. But that’s a massive generalization. More than likely is that truth of that I am very out of practice when it comes to writing. So rather than bore you all to death with what the last few months have held, lets take a little peak at the recent past.

Oh, while I remember. If you’ve been sent here by my boss, it’s not as exciting as what you may think it is in your mind. It’s just me rambling on. Like I do when you have to give me call. Hello by the way

So where was I? Oh yes, pontificating.

Right, so lets skip getting my ankle hurt by a swinging traffic cone. Gloss hurriedly over the steel lined door to the face incident. Lets definitely leave the out the after effects of Bernard Mathew’s chicken. And smoothly come up to speed with last weekend.

So, one of my close friend’s Mum was going to be celebrating her birthday. And because I’m a good boy, I will not disclose the lady’s age. Anyway, a surprise party was being arranged. So some holiday was booked off and plans were hatched. And as is always the way of plans, hastily rearranged at the last moments. In my case, the early start on the Friday to go and spend some time with my friends and their children was put back as the only time I could go in and show the nurse my legs was in the afternoon. Poor nurse. On the bright side it’s apparently minor ligament damage and I was prescribed some anti-inflammatory tablets. It was also the most exciting pair of pants the nurse had ever seen (at least for that week). So after that was all done & dusted it was off to Dorset.

I got there as the sun was setting. And as so as not to give the game away, I parked the car up the road in the village. The reason for this level of skullduggery is because Mumsie lives just over the road from my friends house. And a big silver Astra estate would kind of raise suspicions. So with the car out of the was I walked to my friends house. Thankfully I wasn’t spotted. Which is a good trick considering I have the least stealthy hair color. Anyway, it was a nice evening of catching up, and the kids were sound asleep upstairs. Also, to have a fighting chance of keeping the imminent party a secret, neither of the children had been told that I would be arriving. So that was going to be a surprise for the morning.

It’s official. Young children get up way too early. For the curious of you, that will be 7:00am. So I quietly packed away the sleeping bag, got dressed and went and said hello. There is something very good for the soul being greeted with such sincerity from small children. So the hours of the day then flew by. The kid’s BBC web site has an astonishing amount of stuff on it. Mostly learning disguised as games. So there was the bug that taught language. So Mandarin came through because “the bug had a helmet”. I also later discovered that little girls are un-naturally attracted to the color pink. On the of the coloring in exercises, where the bugs tell you the Spanish or Chinese for the color, basically involved painting everything pink. Then declaring that you need to make the page blank again, so that they can then fill everything in pink again. OK.

So with time ticking on, there was also a couple of cakes to be decorated. So the kiddies were let loose and for some odd reason, I was helping as well. I know! Me a supervising adult in the close proximity of icing. And cake for that matter. Anyway, eventually the cakes were decorated purely on the children’s say so. This did result in there probably being a cake under the mountain of sprinkles. But an accidental shake & blow sorted things out. I tell you, the ninja like cunning required for parenthood is phenomenal.

Now time was short. Two kids to shower & dress. The baby to sort out. Secret phone calls to make. Two stressed adults to get washed & dressed. And then me. I had the easy job. Simply sneak out of the house with my overnight bag, the baby buggy and the two cakes. And then rendezvous with them all for the big surprise at the venue. Turned out not to be that simple. First up there was the challenge of finding a box to put the cakes in. Eventually the kid’s art draws were salvaged. Then there was the buggy. Well it came out of the back of their car out. Folding it out was simple enough. So with my bag over my shoulder, one boxed cake on the buggy seat, the other in my free hand. I attempted to get out of there without being seen by Mumsie. Some how managed it. Then there was the challenge of loading the car.

It’s at this point that I would strongly advise you never to attempt this kind of thing in front of the village green. There tends to be an audience.

So the bag & the cakes went in easy enough. But the buggy turned out to be a challenge. If I’d been better prepared, I’d have emptied the boot of my work kit. So the first challenge was figuring out how the hell top fold the buggy flat again. After lots of struggling and muffled swearing, I found two tiny release handles. Happy days. But it doesn’t quite fit. I’m aware that my actions are providing entertainment for my on lookers. I stop what I’m doing with the buggy half hanging out of the car. There is a gentle shaking of heads. Right, back to work. More twisting and swearing, the buggy is a bit further in, but the boot won’t close. I again look over. This gets a wobbling of the palms to indicate that it’s progressing. Close. But not quite there. Eventually I remember that the rear wheels come off. RESULT. I close the boot of the car and there is a round of applause. Isn’t that nice. So help might have been better.

It was probably the most careful drive I’ve ever undertaken into Dorchester. But thankfully I got the cargo there unscathed. I’d also taken so much time that the birthday girl had already arrived. Drat! With a complete absence of subtly & stealth the cakes were transported to the main table. A few moments later I met up with Mumsie to wish her happy birthday. It was then that she told me of her drive in to the party. Apparently they had only just set off when a little girl turned to her Grandmother and said “You don’t know that Uncle Jim is here do you?”. You’ve got to laff

So that was the weekend. Today, work found me something new. After tinkering with a till up in a petrol station in Blackwood, it was off to Newport to play with the wireless network of a certain budget chain of supermarkets. This involved a ladder. So in the interest of not sustaining any more injurys at work, there were two of us. As it turned out, the kit was hiding in the suspended ceiling. The other surprise was the proper sized loft ladder, 2 pigeon steps, steal gantry walk way and low beams. Not what I was expecting. Some what daunting as the roof space got lower and lower as you went further along the gantry. And as Sod’s law would have it, when you have a choice of two, it’s always the other one. Now the other AP did require a step ladder. Unfortunately the site’s ladder wasn’t quite tall enough. Thankfully Andy is over 6″ tall. So he could stand on the last step and then reach in for the AP. After a little bit of prodding & poking, it was found that it was plugged into the wrong socket. Happy days. So good to meat up and chat with another engineer. But as soon as the paper work was out of the way it was off to Cardiff to fix a cash draw in the city center. Just a soon as I found where the parts locker was. Strewth the docks are rough.  Parts all sorted it was into the city. Where, after a short walk, I found nothing wrong. The joys on intermittent faults. Just in case a, a quick blast of WD40 was used. Can never be too sure.

So there you have it. The rambeling of the missing link between human & orangatang.

What’s that? You want a picture?

Well OK. Here’s a Toyota Yaris that I nearly didn’t see in a car park in Wantage.

Now you probably have a mental image of the driver. I’ll save you some time. Your wrong.

And yes, one of the Tinkerbell fairy’s has lost her cloths.

So a week or two ago I was heading up Cleat Hill Towards the Air Balloon Pub, and there was this Transit. Can you see the strap line for “ATC Floors & Doors”?

That’s right “Get Laid in style”.

So yesterday (Wednesday 15th December) I was [...]]]> I think it’s time for some photos.

So a week or two ago I was heading up Cleat Hill Towards the Air Balloon Pub, and there was this Transit. Can you see the strap line for “ATC Floors & Doors”?

That’s right “Get Laid in style”.

So yesterday (Wednesday 15th December) I was in Bristol. Cribbs Causeway to be exact. Come to think of it, is Causeway a bit misleading? I mean it’s on top of a hill. Where’s the wetland of large body of water? Sorry, I digress.

Anyway, despite the long cue of people all standing in the cold outside the fire exit for HMV, some one had landed a castle and an outdoor ice rink. Here, take a peek…

All very nice and Christmasy. But at least inside it’s warm. And inside was this store. I’ll be honest, it was the strap line that drew me in.

Oh so many things in there. And all of them made me smile. For a flavor how about some of the items of stock. Well there was the pack of 4 Purple Ronnie Will wigs. Basically a cock ring with a hair style. There was the remote controlled shoulder mounted monkey. The book of politicallycorrect bed time stories and fairy tails. And a huge swath of other goodies. I exercised much self control and did not attempt to buy everything.

Now one of the things on my “to do” list for today was to get the company car serviced. Now I’ve got a mini-lease vehicle, so the normal process of ring the lease hire firm and get the car booked in doesn’t apply. The side effect of this [...]]]> Saturday, and a day off. YAY!

Now one of the things on my “to do” list for today was to get the company car serviced. Now I’ve got a mini-lease vehicle, so the normal process of ring the lease hire firm and get the car booked in doesn’t apply. The side effect of this is that the process of getting the car serviced is now something more of a turgid affair. I won’t name names, as that kind of thing can lead to trouble. So I’ll go for a geeky reference. The mini-lease car comes, in a round about way, from a company that shares it’s name with the ship that Captain James T. Kirk flies around in. And the company that can do the work. Well lets refer to them as Fast Installers. Mainly as I can’t think of a suitably geeky tie in.

So it all started a while back. The mileage is going up on the car, so I know a service is coming. So I talk to the lease hire company, and they tell me that I need to arrange things with Kirk’s ship. They in turn tell me that I can use various approved firms. All I have to do is get them to contact Kirk’s ship and they can approve the work. So I opt for Fast installers. Who in turn tell me that their computerised system tells them that Kirk’s ship needs to make the booking. Hang on a minuet. That’s not what Kirk’s ship told me. So back in touch with Kirk’s ship, who tell me that Fast installers have it wrong. So back on to Fast installers who are adamant that they will go with what their computer tells them. As an experiment I also contacted the other approved firms. They tell me the same thing as Fast installers.

Blow this for a laff. I give the lease hire company a call and let them know that I’m being lead in circles. They tell me that they will see if they can get something arranged with Kirk’s ship. And 24 hours later, Kirk’s ship lets me know that they have made a booking on my behalf with Fast installers for the next Saturday at 14:00. Not that I doubt what Kirk’s ship is telling me in any way shape or form. But after I’m done talking to Kirk’s ship, I give Fast installers a call. They in turn confirm that I now have a booking with them this coming Saturday at 14:00.

So Saturday 13:45. I get to Fast installers and tell them I’m here to get the Kirk’s ship car I’m driving serviced. You can probably foretell what’s going to happen next can’t you? Yep, that’s right. There’s a problem. What is the problem? Well it’s subtle. Firstly Fast installers tell me that the booking was at 13:00. Ok, not too much of a problem surly? Oh, but wait. It gets better. Fast installers haven’t ordered any parts. And apparently you can’t order parts after 13:00 on a Saturday.

You what?

So several days ago your telling me that Kirk’s ship gets in touch and books a car in for a service for a future date, and no parts are ordered? It’s a service. Surely you know what parts are going to be needed anyway? Why the hell wait till the day to order bits? And if ordering parts on a Saturday is an issue, why the hell wasn’t this mentioned to Kirk’s ship when they rang up to make the booking in the first place? And what the FiretrUCK is with the screw up with the appointment time? I rang in to confirm the booking moments after Kirk’s ship rang me to tell me that they had just got off the phone to Fast installers to make the booking  to confirme the date and the time. The clocks changed weeks ago. The hour discrepancy shouldn’t be a factor. So a complete waste of time turning up in the first place. Sod this.

On an optimistic wing and prayer, I’ve booked Kirk’s ships car in with Fast installers for the next available date that I have off work. So that’s in two Saturdays time. I’ll let the lease hire company know on Monday the fun & games I’m having.

Other than that it’s been a good Saturday all in all.

So who would like a Biggus Dickus corkscrew or a Mr Creosote vomiting sauce dispenser?

So I had finished in Sainsburys and I’d made it back to the car. A couple of rows opposite me there was a [...]]]> Today had one of those moments that just make you smile. Moments where you hope the outcome will come out just as you imagine in the darker parts of your mind.

So I had finished in Sainsburys and I’d made it back to the car. A couple of rows opposite me there was a Fiesta with a couple of kids in it. A brother and his big sister. I’d guess that nether of them were in double figures. The sister was sat in the front passenger seat, and see was having a disapproving strop moment. This was because her little brother was in the driver’s seat. Well not quite. He had one leg and most of his body out of the car window. But his legs were too short to reach the ground. So he’s teetering on the sill. He eventually clambers back in. They have a little scuffle and he tries his “Dukes of Hazard” maneuver again. Lightning fast, his sister gives his arse an almighty shove. BOINK! Out he goes, sprawled on the ground. She laffs her head off. Locks all the doors and closes the window. I left giggling as she taunts him through the window.

There still isn’t a great deal to write about. Work continues to be work, with it’s usual ups and downs. In this sensitive age, I’m extremely hesitant to write anything much. Even relatively anonymous [...]]]> Strewth! It’s September already. I find it hard to believe that this much of the year has flown past already.

There still isn’t a great deal to write about. Work continues to be work, with it’s usual ups and downs. In this sensitive age, I’m extremely hesitant to write anything much. Even relatively anonymous and innocuous comments can be easily misconstrued. So the safer option is to not write anything at all. So this kind of leave sod all to write about. As for my day to day life. Well what the hell am I doing any different from any one else? Life is still filled with the weird an unusual going’s on. Last Saturday on my way over to Swindon, I was overtaken by a motor bike. The pillion passenger was dressed in a dalmatian jump suit. Made me laff. Just wish the guy had some of the stick on furry ears on the helmet. Would have topped the look off nicely I feel.

Today took me out to Hereford. How come they have never built more than one bridge? Ok so there are two bridges in Hereford, but only one of them seems to get used. But all the traffic through or across Hereford all congests in the centre. How the hell can that have been a good choice for a road network? Would building a couple more bridges on the outskirts really cost that much? Probably. Who knows?

With the kids back to school the roads have become the scary domain of the elderly again. Drive slow to start with. Slow down for corners and on coming traffic. Indicators are optional or misleading. Staying in lane never reallyan option for them. Today seemed to be filled with a hand full of near misses. I’m very glad I’ve got insurance. Since January 27th I’ve driven 26,378 miles. Which reminds me, I’d better book the car in for another service soon. Considering how long it took the hire company to organise the last one, I’d better start proceedings off earlier than last time.

Just got to make it through this week and I can have some time off. Really looking forward to it.